I’ve had a secret love for several years.

Maybe for the last 22 years.

I knew I loved him when I first met him.

I was young when we met. Abundant and free in love. All in without a doubt.

Trust was never an issue. I knew if he said he’d do something, he’d do it. Anyone asking me where my confidence and hope came from, I was quick to tell them. Without a care in the world.

I didn’t even doubt his seemingly extravagant love.

Until one day.

I didn’t get to say goodbye. I assumed he was there looking after her. After all, it was my Gran who introduced us. Suddenly, she was gone, and I blamed him.

I struggled to talk to him. Even more, talking about Him.

Hurt crept in. Life happened, doubt settled in, and the challenges kept coming.

I coped, I guess.

And as I regained my voice, another significant assault came.

I spoke less and less. About everything.

I don’t think I stopped loving him. Did I?

I know I acknowledged him less. His existence was a vague mention, my reasoning more intellectual.

I offered less and less of myself, despite his attempts to bring me out.

Everything in my world moved to the realm of evidence.

Concrete reason.

Palatable excuses.

Behaviour well modified.

I played the part well.

And my first love became my secret love.

He didn’t stop loving me… and slowly it revived me.

Have you ever secretly loved someone?

Dying to tell people, yet nervous about the scrutiny.

You’ve been brainwashed, or it’s not real.

Or the one I’ve heard the most: you’re too intense.

But He kept drawing me to Him, into abundant love. To love without limits. A depth of generous emotion that, even without return, you give.

He is, after all, love.

But I’m afraid. He is still unwavering.

I’m doubtful. I love you.

They walked away again. I love you.

The pain is too much. I love you.

The rejection... I love you.

I feel exhausted. I love you.

I messed up… I love you.

And still, He calls me to Him!

His loyal love, my source of strength.

Talk about Me again, my love.

Jesus, I’ve held back from talking about You for so long. Tell them about My mercy.

Lord, I wandered off. I know. Come back. Tell them about My love.

Father, I’m not qualified. I have gifted you. Tell them about our relationship.

Will You be there?

I never left.

I never leave.

I love you.